Lesley Arfin, Editor-in-Chief of my favorite, now recently "reinvented" magazine Missbehave and author of Dear Diary, had some upsetting news for me today upon getting home from class. Geeky boys are no longer cool... I feel like I know the geekiest boys of them all, so whats a girl to do?
"Guess what? Being a geek is no longer cool. It’s fucking geeky. Geek chic? Dead. In this recession we need no longer pine over the Michael Cera’s or the Jason Schwartzman’s of the world. Who cares about your obsession with Star Wars or This American Life? We need food on the table. We need dads who will wrap their big bear arms around us when the heat gets turned off. Question: How will McLovin take care of the beehive above the garage? Answer: He won’t. He’s a nerd. Nerds are pussies and they can’t do dad jobs. Sure it looks cute in the movies, but so does going to summer school and having a relay race. In real life, there are no shopping montages, there’s no St. Elmo’s Fire bar where everyone is BFF and plays the saxophone, and when John Cusack stands outside your window with a boom box, it’s weird, emo, and stalkerish, and you laugh about it with your friends. That’s what nerds are for: making fun of. They’re not gonna call you back because they’re scared and guess what? Catherine Keener would never fuck a 40-year-old virgin in real life because it’s not cute, IT’S FUCKING WEIRD. There is a middle ground between “nerds” and “jocks.” I’m not saying steak faces are cool, they’re not. They’re meat wads with shit for brains. And nerds are twerps with brains that can’t do shit. Except for math and Monty Python quoting. Sexy? If you say it is, then you’re a nerd too, so go for it. Don’t get me wrong, we can dork out. Being dorky is a totally different article. I’m strictly talking about socially awkward individuals who are a bit older now and can front as being something else: Pretentious. Well you can have your Wes Andersons’. We’ll take Clive Owen and Viggo please. As the old street saying goes, “a record collection will not keep you warm at night.” So die nerds. If you can’t chop the wood and carry the water, we say later for you. You girls might be hating on this right now but talk to me in 6 months. Or when you’re approaching 30 and want to start warming up the old oven. Softies are boring and shy and shy, my friends, is for children."